I recently asked people the question, “What topics would you like to see addressed on African Mind Healer blog in 2021?” Someone’s response was “living happily,” which made me think “it sounds so simple, but it can be hard for us adults to be happy.” I wish I had a formula to compute what I need to be happy, but I don’t. Nobody does. What makes it difficult is that happiness varies per person. What makes you happy may make me miserable and vice versa. And what makes me happy today could be different 5 years from now. We are constantly changing and learning new things about life and ourselves.
Unfortunately, we live in societies that have social norms and ideals and we spend a lot of time trying to make everyone follow the norms. This can be even more complicated for societies that are collective where we consider how to benefit our social group. If you are African, you can understand this; go for the highest level of education you can attain, be financially stable, buy a house and a nice car, get married, have children, then your life will be good. But many people who have those things are miserable, which tells you and me that this is not the formula for happiness. Yet we spend enormous resources worrying about how our children are not following the paths we have created for them. We expend energy disappointed in ourselves for not following that path. Many pursue lives for the sake of everyone else but themselves. We rarely stop to ask ourselves, What do I want? What is going to make me fulfilled? Who do I want to be? Why do I want the things that I want? Is it because that’s what is expected of me or do I truly believe I will be fulfilled by these things?
There’s the first point. Ask yourself those questions and come up with your answers. Next, consider the four points below:
2) It’s the little things that make a happy life
Can I be honest, the reason why I decided to write about this topic now is because of my own wrestling with the topic. The more I read and have conversations with Jesus and people, I realize, happiness is not out there, and it is not in the big things. Being happy is not about buying a house or a car or getting married or having kids. Yes, those things can make you happy temporarily, but you revert to your normal state of being. When these big events happen in our lives, we get a short period of happiness, but that’s not what keeps us consistently happy. This is why many of us are quick to rush on to what’s next so we can get another boost of happiness. Happiness is found in the experience of life from moment to moment. The things that make us happy are the smaller things that build to transform us and transform how we relate to people and our life experiences. Happiness is found in practicing gratitude, laughing with others, enjoying music, singing in the kitchen, engaging in activities you love, doing fulfilling work, taking the time to connect with what’s important to you. This is what makes some people naturally happier than others.
3) It’s about taking responsibility and making changes
A few weeks ago, I spoke with a client whom I’ve been counseling for a short period. He expressed that as compared to how he felt in 2019, he was enjoying his life and work, his wife feels at peace, and he is playing more with his kids. As he described what he was experiencing, I recognized that he was experiencing more happiness. Why? Not because of me, but because he decided to make some changes in his life. He recognized that he was unhappy, and he started asking why that was the case. He noticed things he was doing in his marriage that were causing disagreements and he tried to understand why he was repeating certain behaviors. He gave up alcohol for the year and he found it beneficial. He recognized family dynamics that were difficult, and he started trying to understand why and made adjustments. Things changed for him because he decided to make changes in his life. When we make these deeper changes, it changes our level of happiness, hence when big events happen, they make us happy momentarily and we go back to being content with life.
4) It’s in having relationship with God, self, and others
You don’t need to go for therapy to be happy. We do need relationship. Relationship with God, relationship with yourself, and relationship with others. Gaining a better understanding of yourself happens in these three avenues. One of our deepest needs is to feel connection. We want to understand why we are here (purpose) and why God made us the way He did. This is where prayer, Biblical reading, and connection to a community can help us. Another important aspect is feeling comfortable in your own skin, recognizing your worth and value. This is why people sometimes say, “I don’t feel like myself.” They are feeling disconnected from who they are or whom they were meant to be. Lastly, we feel connected to others when we choose to have more meaningful relationships in which we can be ourselves and we can talk about things that matter to us. All these relationships are intertwined; you cannot truly be happy outside of relationship. Knowing oneself is a journey that can be gained through a relationship with God and with others. The great thing about having a relationship with God is that He can give you joy in whatever circumstance (Philippians 4:11-13).
5) It’s about accepting that suffering is a part of life
Happiness doesn’t mean no suffering. We live in a fallen world; the earth is not heaven. Suffering is a part of life for all of us. The more able we are to feel the pain of the hardships of life, the more able we will be to experience the joys of the good times. When we avoid feeling one of our emotions, we avoid and numb all of them. We cannot pick and choose to feel happiness without feeling sadness. If you cannot truly be sad, you cannot truly be happy. God gave us all emotions, sadness, happiness, anger, fear, etc to serve different purposes. If your 5-year-old niece dashes into the street, you might feel some fear that causes you to yell for her to stop and come back to you. If a loved one passes away, you feel sadness and other emotions that cause you to grieve the loss. When you avoid feeling what you are feeling, you are not helping yourself to get to a place of happiness. Rather, you are preventing yourself from going through your process which gets you to a place where you feel more at peace.
There you have it! Where are you going to start to be happier in 2021?
Excellent piece on living a happy life. Can the traditional or cultural background influence happiness- or be part of those things making one live a happy life?
Good question! I’ll have to add this to my list for a future blog post.
Beautiful piece on happiness. I feel the pandemic is causing a lot of unhappiness because it forces us to distance ourselves from relationships. I am really missing being with others right now.
I understand the feeling Bridgett, I miss being with people too. E go betta!
Nice exposition on happiness. 2020 had been a difficult year for me – financially mostly. We’re currently in lockdown here in Germany since November last year and it’s depressing everyday. The only happiness I get is go for jogging. But thanks for the few tips on how to be happy in 2021.
You’re welcome Emmanuel! I hope you find more little things that bring you some joy in 2021.
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