Why can’t I stop doing the things I hate?

Knowledge does not equal behavior change. If it did, the world wouldn’t be in so much chaos (and I would be out of a job). But why doesn’t knowing directly lead to change? Because of our defenses and automatic responses developed from our upbringing, culture, beliefs, traumas, and sinful nature. Even the apostle Paul said in Romans 7:15-20 (NIV)

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Change takes time

There are those who are hard on themselves and beat themselves up for not doing the thing they want to do. Then there are those who judge other people for not knowing better and doing the same things over and over. We are all in the same boat. We are all trying the best we can the way we know how. If I knew and could do better, I would. But most of the time, I can’t bring myself to do things differently even when I know what I want to do differently.

Such unwanted behavior patterns are most noticeable in relationships. Let’s use the example of a couple. You and your spouse had just talked about “this thing” on Monday and come Friday, they are acting in the same way or they change for two weeks and then, it’s back to what it was before. Your response is “did he even listen?” “there she goes again” “he continues to take me for granted” “I don’t feel respected”… You know how it goes! Yes, it matters how we listen. But, most of the time, it’s not that he or she wasn’t listening or wanted to disrespect you, it’s that they couldn’t bring themselves to act differently. Not yet! Change takes time. There has to be a willingness and effort to change of course. But there also needs to be grace on the other side. When someone really wants to change, you constantly pointing out their flaws doesn’t help. They know, they can see it. Constantly pointing it out makes them feel worse, and can lead to feeling hopelessness and shame. Change needs patience on both ends. You need to be patient with yourself because you’re not going to get it the first time or the second or even the third time. The behavior patterns are much deeper than the eyes can see. You might have taken years (maybe most of your life) to develop a particular behavior. It is engrained deeply in your brain. Do you think you’ll undo it in a week? No, my friend, it might take months or years. One reason people give up on themselves or on their loved ones is because they don’t see the change quick enough. We need patience with our loved ones. And we need patience with ourselves.

Be patient and accept God’s grace

There is hope for us. In the same passage above, the apostle Paul says in Romans 7:21-25 (NIV),

So, I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

There is good news. God has delivered us through Jesus. God has grace on us, and God enables us to change with time. I like the reminder that I am God’s work, hence I shouldn’t rush his process of molding me into whom he wants me to be. What he calls you and I to do is to live faithfully, focused on what we can do today (in the present). You can’t expect to be the 45-year-old version of yourself when you are 25 years old. You can’t even expect to be a 45-year-old version of yourself when you are 42 years old. There are some things you need to learn within those 3 years that you can only let life teach you. Don’t cut your process short because you are too much in a hurry to get to where you think you need to be right now. Don’t get out of your marriage before God transforms it into what it really needs to be. Be patient and accept God’s grace, for he says,“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”