My people! It’s almost May, the month of graduation for many seniors and graduate students. The month of May marks the beginning of the end of an academic year. I can feel that May 2020 is going to be a weird month because we are forced to do things differently due to the coronavirus. I am also reminded that this weird season is not just about graduates and their families and friends, it’s also about anyone who has events and celebrations that they won’t get to have because of the covid-19 quarantine.
So this post is for you… you the graduate, you the bride and groom who don’t get to have your wedding how and when you wanted it, you that has lost loved ones and you can’t truly have a funeral the way you want to, you the athlete who doesn’t get to play the game with your team, you the artist who doesn’t get to have your performance, show, or production, you who won’t get to have your family vacation, and you too whom I haven’t mentioned but you know who you are… Yes YOU! And for all the family and friends who were looking forward to being there for your person, this is for you too.
Can we grieve together?
Many people think that grief is needed only when someone dies (and even then, some have been socialized not to cry). Grief is bigger than losing a person, it is also necessary for the loss of dreams, hopes, and things that we no longer have. If you think about it, there has been a dying of something that once was, even if it was only in your mind. We build realities in our minds before they ever become physically tangible. This is why it takes time to truly let go. This is also why we need to grieve for the losses we are experiencing due to the coronavirus.
Grieving starts by acknowledging that something has been lost. I agree with Molière that “If you suppress grief too much, it can well redouble.” None of us could have adequately prepared for this pandemic so it’s okay for you to feel what you are feeling. Maybe you didn’t even realize you were feeling something until this second. That’s okay too. Or maybe those feelings are overwhelming and uncomfortable, and you don’t know what to do with them. When we are not sure what to do with our thoughts and emotions, it’s easy for us to return to our old habits. And I don’t mean the good ones. So, let’s try something different.
What have you personally lost? If reading this is making you realize that you are sad, angry, frustrated, or confused about the things you were looking forward to that you won’t get to have, it’s okay to allow yourself to cry if you need to. If you had already been feeling all these things and you didn’t know what to do, I am giving you permission to let it out. Maybe you are fine, you’ve moved on and you might even be having the time of your life right now. That’s great! Please empathize with those you know who are struggling with their losses.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18 NIV)
That was the first step, acknowledging our true feelings about what has been lost and grieving the loss.
United in situation!
Even if there weren’t any monumental occasions planned, we have all lost something during this period and we are all forced to stay home. We are all dealing with the uncertainty of when we can get out again. And we are all trying to adjust to our new normal for the time being. We are all affected in some way. And that, my friends, unites us. Regardless of your ethnicity, race, gender, socioeconomic status, educational level, religious beliefs, nationality, etc, we are all in the same boat.
What to do with all these shattered dreams
This is the practical part. This is where we talk about what you can do to move forward.
- Cool it down or burn it up – This expression stuck with me from my cognitive psychology class. It is a great way to think about what to do with all the pent-up energy or emotions. Do something that can help you cool it down e.g. relaxing activities such as prayer, meditation, breathing exercises, yoga, journaling, talking to a close friend, etc. OR do something that will help you burnt it up e.g. vigorous physical activity such as cardio workouts, running, boxing if you have a punching bag at home, etc. View my self-care page for more ideas.
- Realize what is within your control – We don’t have control over covid-19 and what is going to happen with it. But there are some things you have control over such as your time, your schedules, what you eat, when you sleep, your personal attributes, your talents, your values, your character, etc. Focus on what is within your control and make what you can of your schedule. Refer to my post on activities you can do while at home.
- Commit to a future plan and include your family and friends – From my understanding, many universities are offering a future in-person graduation while having something virtual next month. Whether yours is or isn’t, make one up yourself. If you were going to graduate and your family was going to come, think of a time frame, such as a year from now. Ask all your family members who were going to come to save the date. Buy your cap and gown (if your school isn’t providing one). Plan to go back to your university and take pictures, have a party, make it what you want. You can still have a celebration, it’ll just be postponed till later. I understand not everyone has the finances to go back to their school especially if it was out of state. Plan to do something local then, wear your cap and gown, take pictures, invite family and friends, etc. Think of how you can replicate this idea with weddings, commemorating the deceased, performances, anniversaries, travels, etc.
- Commemorate now in little ways – It is worth honoring your event now in some way. Think of how you can do something in your home even if it means inviting friends virtually, wearing your fancy dress, getting made up, buying yourself a gift, making a cake, doing something nice for yourself, or asking your family members to be involved somehow. Just because you won’t get to do the event you wanted doesn’t mean you can’t make what you have celebratory.
Note: This post isn’t meant to replace seeking mental help if you are in need, refer to my resource page for some links to referrals.
What are some losses you are experiencing because of covid-19? Share in the comments below!
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