Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: It is easier to say, ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say, ‘My heart is broken.’ —C.S. Lewis
Depression is marked by sadness, emptiness, and/or irritable mood. You lose the pleasure you once felt in doing things you enjoy. All you want to do is stay in bed because at least you feel comfort there. Your mind tricks you into thinking nothing will make you feel better and there is no way out; it tells you to stay in your room, close the door, leave the lights off and just stay there. It can be difficult for someone going through this pain. It can be hard for their loved ones watching them go through it.
Family and friends may want to help, but sometimes they don’t know how. Watching a child struggling with depression is suffering in itself. In the attempt to help, parents can over-compensate and push their children further away from them.
Sometimes helping them is letting them go through what they are going through without trying to stop it. But that can be more difficult than doing something about it. Trying to solve or fix them is easier than letting them be because this means you have to live your life around them and accept that you don’t have all the solutions to their problems. This is tough!
Why do we struggle with people who are suffering?
The heaviness of it all. To meet their distress, you must go down and connect with some of your own sorrow. You have to feel something to relate to them. Many of us don’t like to feel our own pain, hence we would rather
- Tell them to cheer up
- Redirect them to something more pleasant
- Say they are being “soft” or “weak”
- Blame them for doing this to themselves
If you know the story of Job in the Bible, it was difficult for Job’s friends to sit with him long enough while he was in anguish before they started lecturing him. They tried though…
“When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.” (Job 2:11-13 NIV)
There is a time and place for everything, thus pray for discernment on when to do what. Here are some things you can do to help your adolescent or young adult children dealing with depression:
- Understand their life stage. The years from 13 to 24 is the period when the individual moves out of adoring their parents to finding their independence. This is also a time of developing their interests, finding their voice, and seeking approval from peers. It is no longer mommy and daddy’s opinions that matter, their peers become more important. As a parent, your child may feel like a stranger to you. They may rarely speak to you. Avoid the temptation to take any of this personal. The adolescent brain is developing and changing in different ways, which leads to behavior changes.
- Encourage them to get open. Depression is usually a symptom of something deeper of concern. Many teenagers may not want to talk to their parents about how they are doing, don’t push it. Help them to get open with a friend, mentor, church member, counselor or a mental health professional. Try not to force them, instead gently encourage them. Ask them if they have spoken to their best friend or their cousin or whomever they usually hang out with. If they connect well with an aunt, uncle, or friend of yours, have this person reach out to them.
- Listen to them. If they want to talk to you, don’t be too quick to respond with suggestions. Hold back from giving them a lecture. Rather listen to them and ask more questions about what they are telling you. It is okay for you to leave a conversation without solving their problem. Sometimes they just want to talk, other times they may be asking for something you can help them with.
- Encourage them to engage in activities or their routines. Someone who is depressed may not feel like doing anything and this in one of the reasons why they need to get up and do something anyway. They won’t do anything if it were up to how they feel. You can suggest (nicely) they join you in going out for a walk, doing some house work, going to the grocery store, or watching a movie. Engaging in activities helps them get out of being self-focused while offering connection, which they need. More examples of activities are found on my self-care page.
- Find your own way to de-stress. Again, it can be hard on parents to watch their children struggle, so you may be tempted to yell or react as a way to manage your own discomfort. Talk to your husband or wife, your go-to person/people, community support, church group, or therapist. Engage in your own activities. Deal with your own stress so you are not taking it out on your child.
- Pray. The greatest weapon we have, which we undermine is prayer. Pray for your child. Pray for yourself to know how to manage this situation. Sometimes God answers prayers by sending people who can help you, sometimes God gives you wisdom to know what actions to take, sometimes God heals directly, and sometimes God shows up in ways that we can’t even imagine. When you pray, be on the lookout for what God will do.
For more tips on improving your relationship with your children, read my post on African parenting. For where to find help for yourself and/or your child, view my resources page.
Relevant to all age groups. Thanks for another great article, Dr. Amin! 😀
You’re welcome, Blue!
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