Breakups are not fun (to say the least). You may feel relief, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, and have thoughts of “not being good enough” and “why didn’t it work?” Depending on the circumstance, your loved ones may have a lot to say. Some of them may be glad because they didn’t like the person, others may truly not understand, and still others may contribute to the thoughts of “why couldn’t you make it work?” Moreover, it could feel like you’ve wasted all that time in a relationship that didn’t work.
Well, that’s not true! Sometimes the main purpose of a relationship is to teach you what you need for your future.
Stay with me for a moment. People will always have something to say, and people will always make judgments. We do it all the time right? We draw conclusions, make assumptions and judgments even about ourselves. But let’s face it, nothing is as black and white as the onlooker assumes. We are a lot more complex than what we see. People may ask, “you didn’t know that before dating him?” or “you continued to date her after she did…?” These questions reveal an assumption that ‘you just know’ rather than the reality that there is a period of figuring out if this relationship will work. The idea of “married at first sight” is not ideal. And isn’t that most of life? Figuring out what works and what doesn’t work for you? Isn’t life more about the process than the destination?
Don’t sit in despair, rise up!
We’ve all made mistakes. If there are regrets you have about your past relationship, transform your regrets to lessons learned. You didn’t know what you didn’t know at the time, but now you know. You couldn’t expect your younger self to know what your today self knows. In fact, maybe that relationship was meant to help you to learn those things. It might have been heart-breaking, it might have caused a lot of pain, it could have led to the shattering of a dream you had to be married by a certain time. But the end of a relationship does not make you a failure. Here is why:
- You learned about yourself. Hopefully you did! Or if not, you have hindsight to teach you. You probably have a better idea of your tendencies, patterns, triggers, likes, and dislikes when you are a relationship. You have a better idea of what you want and what you don’t want.
- You learned about men or women. I’m sure there are things you learned about your former partner that have provided a better understanding of genders and what you would like in a future partner.
- You acquired skills in communicating, compromising, sharing, you name it. These are valuable skills. Think about how you practicing them in this relationship has been and will continue to be useful.
- There are some things you wouldn’t have known outside of this relationship. No matter how many podcasts you listen to or documentaries you watch on relationships, there are some things you will learn only by experience. This is partly because we have triggers based on our upbringing and past experiences that we are oblivious to until we are in particular situations. Consider your past romantic relationship as a learning ground.
- Again, sometimes the main purpose of the relationship is to teach you what you need for your future. Hence, the break up was actually a good thing. You gave yourself the time you needed to explore being with this person. It wasn’t meant to end in marriage and it’s okay. You were acquiring more information you needed for your future. There’s no shame in things ending. Take heart, it shall be well!
