How to handle difficult conversations with your African families during the holidays

While the holidays can be a time of rest and relaxation for many Africans, it can also be stressful (read what I wrote for stress management tips). One of the reasons why some people might dread family gatherings during the holidays is because of the difficult or anxiety-provoking conversations with family or friends. For some, the holidays can be a reminder of broken relationships causing them to avoid interacting with a certain individual in their family or in their hometown. A client of mine told me that her dad gave her the cold shoulder and didn’t talk to her for about a week when she told him that she wanted to study something other than medicine. You can imagine that she may be feeling scared, confused, sad, angry, and anxious about going home because she still doesn’t like her major but doesn’t want to receive a similar reaction from her dad. (Read the post I wrote about conflict between African parents and American kids). Other people experience sibling rivalry and tension. And for some, it may be internal discomfort about something they have done that they are ashamed of or something they are concerned might affect how their family perceives them. Still others are reminded that they are not yet married, recently got divorced, don’t yet have a child, and some have lost someone important. These can all affect how we approach the holiday season.

What about you? What feelings come up when you think about the holidays?

Dealing with the discomfort

When we are feeling uncomfortable about being in a certain environment including our own homes or hometowns, people have the tendency to do the following:

Stay away – A difficult relationship with a family member or friend can lead to avoidance all together. One can decide not to go home so that they don’t have to deal with the individual causing them anxiety. They can decide to go home and stay in their room the whole time or not go out to the locations in which they might bump into this individual.
Put a smile on your face to cover up – Another thing that people could do is say “I’m fine” and not let anyone know how they are really doing so that no one bothers them. They walk around acting like everything is okay while they are truly in emotional distress.
Attack others – Have you experienced someone who is always ready to verbally fight others through arguments, defensiveness, and not giving others the chance to talk? Attacking everyone else makes it difficult for anyone to get close to them. It’s an easy way to make people stay away hence they don’t get to talk about what is really bothering them.

Either of these options could lead to a miserable holiday with one feeling trapped, lacking a sense of freedom, and feeling isolated. Honestly, it is not worth it. Nobody truly wants to be disconnected from others.

So, what can you do instead?

4. Be Vulnerable and Communicate

Another way to think of vulnerability is being real, honest, and truthful. We feel lonely and isolated when we hide the important parts of ourselves. It prevents people from truly knowing us, thus making us feel alone. We feel most connected to others when we tell them how we are really doing, what we have been thinking about, what we are worried about, how we are distressed, and what we hope for. That being said, not everyone deserves this level of intimate conversations. So, while you might not tell every single person how you are really doing, do seek to be vulnerable with those family members and friends that you consider important to you.

But, what about those difficult relationships?

Let’s consider what happened in the relationship and if this a relationship you value. Is this conflict due to miscommunication and misunderstanding OR was there a major offense? Let me provide examples….

Miscommunication, misunderstanding, and insecurity

You feel uncomfortable because your parents will ask about your relationship status, your grades in school that aren’t the best, or the trouble you got into which all makes you feel like a disappointment.
You don’t like that when you go home, they treat you like a child even though you are an adult now.
You are not in good terms with a family member because you both disagreed on something, they were hurt by something you said, or you were hurt by something they said.
You lost someone and you are not sure your family is handling the loss well, they are ignoring it when you want to talk about it, or you are not sure you can deal with the pain of the loss. Maybe you don’t want to talk about it but they talk about it all the time.

Although these situations can cause conflict, sadness, or discomfort, they can be managed. Try the following:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” James 1:19 NIV

Listen – Listening to understand is an under-valued tool in our culture. It can be especially difficult in African cultures for those who are older to listen to those who are younger. We were raised with the notion that those who are older are wiser and when they speak their word trumps the other. However, if only one side is listening, there will for sure be a lack of understanding. Hence, it is essential that we all take the time to listen to each other.
Speak your truth – The African value of respect still holds and at the same time, respectfully speak your opinions and thoughts. I often wonder if Jesus would have said anything if he chose not to speak the truth to his elders. He physically left the earth around age 33 and he was in a culture where the teachers of the law were a lot older than him, yet he spoke a lot of wisdom. And why I say “speak your truth” is because apart from God, you are the only one who truly knows your thoughts. Therefore, when the words are coming out of your mouth, they are your truth (unless you are lying) and you can be corrected later (please don’t correct others while they are speaking, listen instead). For an African son or daughter with parents that may have a hard time listening, try other ways like writing a letter or getting a close relative to speak to your parents on your behalf.
Agree to disagree – There is a Zambian Proverb that says, “If two wise men always agree, then there is no need for one of them.” In other words, differences in perspectives are needed. We Africans have a very hard time with agreeing to disagree. In fact, in some places, the gathering might not end unless everyone agrees. A huge part of conflicts that I see between African adults and between African parents and their kids is because one person doesn’t agree with the other and the other person takes it personal. An opinion says one thing about the way I think, it does not define if I like you or not. In other words, my opinion has nothing to do with you, it says more about me. My client (mentioned above) deciding to study something other than medicine doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her parents, it means she has her own interests and thoughts. We can still live in harmony and think differently about things. Stop taking things personal, it’s not about you!
Set boundaries if necessary – Let people know what’s okay and what’s not okay with you. Boundaries can be very tricky for people in collectivistic cultures such as African cultures because we are used to valuing the group over our individual needs. This dynamic becomes very difficult for African immigrants who experience both collective and individualistic cultures as I stated in this post. Boundaries are necessary sometimes. It may mean telling the other person that you need a break from a conversation because it is causing you too much emotional distress in the moment. It may mean telling that brother that you get upset when he calls you names. Whatever it is, please know that you as well have a voice, wants, and needs, and it is okay to have them and express them.
Remember that this season is temporary – You will go back to your own life so even if things don’t go your way for a few days, it is okay. Don’t put too much pressure on things going exactly the way you hope. Be flexible for change and accept that this too shall pass.

All these being said, I recognize that as Africans and African immigrants, being vulnerable and communicating with others in the manner suggested above is challenging. So keep practicing and don’t give up when it doesn’t work the first time. Additionally, there are some situations such as those where a major offense e.g. sexual or physical abuse has occurred. In these types of circumstances, the best approach may be to stay away especially if nothing has been done about the offense. Look out for my next post on how to manage such situations during the holiday season.