Yesterday, a client told me that she attempted committing suicide when she was 16 years old. One of the reasons why was because of the cultural clashes between herself and her immigrant parents. She felt a lot of pressure from them and didn’t feel understood by them. Today, another client cried as she told me that she just wished her parents would also care about aspects of her life other than her academic performance. These experiences are quite common in immigrant families (as was the case for both clients). Children of parents who migrated to the U.S. from cultures that are collective constantly feel that their parents have their own agenda of what they should do with their lives. Thus, they feel trapped.
Listening to my clients reminded me of the divide between Africans who were born and raised back home and their children who are born and raised in America. Africans with African American children. Two generations of different cultures living under the same roof. In any household where you have more than one person, there is bound to be some conflict. Not to talk of different generations and different cultures. As you can imagine the more complex, the higher the possibility of misunderstandings unless regular communication in relationship is happening within the family.
By this I mean an exchange and imparting of information between everyone within the family not just parents telling their kids what to do without listening to them.
Unfortunately, this type of relationship doesn’t seem to be happening in many African immigrant households. Working at college campus counseling centers, I have often heard young adult children of immigrants express their frustration with their parents. Sometimes their parents desire that they complete a major they have no interest in doing. Other times their parents are so concerned about how they are doing academically that the student doesn’t think she can tell them that she was struggling with mental and emotional issues. The pressure that young adults feel from their parents can be so intense that it leads them to want to end it all. It is especially worsened when the individual doesn’t think that they have a way out. They feel stuck between doing what their parents want and being miserable or doing what they want and losing ties with their family.
So how do we bridge the gap between these two generations?
First off, everyone is trying their best with what they know. I’m sure no parent is trying to be disconnected from their kids and no child is trying to get on their parents’ nerves. Parents and children are all doing what they think is best, but sometimes there are still clashes because we don’t understand the other person.
African parents
Can I speak to my African parents first?
It is really important that you understand that your kids are not trying to disobey you because they like it. They have been raised in a country (America) where they are taught to think for themselves, have autonomy, know who they are as an individual, have personal goals and dreams. (Read this post to understand the cultural differences). These aspects are separate from you and your wants for them. I know you might have dreams for them to be doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc. Maybe back then, it was believed that these were the only jobs that were secure where one could make money. Times have changed and there are a lot more opportunities and career paths one could take now and be successful. Maybe they want to be dancers, or speech pathologists, or elementary school teachers, or something else. Their wants and desires have nothing to do with you, it has more to do with them and their desires. Plus, they are the ones that get to live with the decisions that they make. It is difficult to let go of the control but think about their overall well-being. Would you rather have someone who is miserable or content with his/her life?
Practicals
- Take a step back and ask yourself why am I pushing my son or daughter to…? Is this more for me and my reputation? Or is it for them?
- What would happen if I stopped pushing this on them?
- Now practice listening to what your son or daughter is saying. Ask questions and listen to understand not to correct
- Explain your perspective to them
- Practice more of this communication exchange
African sons and daughters
Relax okay! It could feel like this very moment will last forever and you won’t ever be able to get out of this situation and be free, but that’s not true. This time as well will pass. You also need to take a step back and understand that your parents were raised in a culture of respect. They were trained with phrases such as “respect your elders,” “listen and obey your parents.” It is normal for them to seek that same respect from you. Having grown up in collectivistic cultures (read this post to understand the culture), your parents as individuals represented their families, so they still carry this with them. They believe you represent them and what you do is a reflection of who they are. This may not be true for you, but it could feel very real to your parents. Therefore, it can also be very scary for them when they are presented with things they haven’t experienced before. In an effort to manage their fears, they can create tighter restrictions for you which can seem controlling.
Practicals
- Be respectful
- Show them that you are serious by coming up with a plan (for yourself and to present to them)
- Approach them when they are calm or in a good mood
- Try other ways to communicate such as writing letters
- Be respectfully persistent and don’t give up
- Find an ally e.g. uncle, aunt, someone who is close to your parent
What are some reasons why you clash with your parents or your children? Comment below!
Great post!
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