The holiday season can bring up a lot of emotions, making it difficult to communicate, and increasing stress. You may need to make some tough decisions that could affect your relationships with others. On the other hand, some situations can be easily rectified and your reactions to them could make things worse. How do you regulate your emotions so you are not over-reacting or lashing out at people?
Noticing and managing your emotions
We Africans rarely talk about our emotions. The response to “how are you?” is usually, “By the grace of God, I’m fine.” I mean when was the last time your relative told you they were feeling sad and struggling to make it through? Doesn’t happen very often. If it does for you, that’s great! Keep it up!
From observation and talking to other Africans, one of the reasons why we don’t talk about feelings is because we don’t notice what’s going on inside. We just keep on moving, keeping ourselves busy. Think about it… when was the last time you cried? Ok, when was the last time you talked to someone about why you were crying?
If we don’t deal with our emotions, they build up and then something or someone in our lives will suffer because of it. We get angry or frustrated and scream at the kids (or beat them for no reason), our work performance declines, we start failing in school, we stop talking to our friends or partners, you name it. These are all symptoms of unexpressed and/or unprocessed emotions.
So how can you pay more attention to yourself during this season?
- Notice your mood. Are you in a good mood? Are you feeling down? Notice your overall state of mind or feeling.
- Notice your thoughts. What’s on your mind? Do you keep thinking about something in particular?
- Notice your body. Sit down for 2 minutes and notice if you are feeling any sensations in your chest, your shoulders, your head, other body parts. Do you feel any heaviness? Do you feel relaxed?
- Ask yourself these questions: How are you feeling? When did you start feeling that way? Was this feeling triggered by a certain situation? Is there an unfulfilled need that you have?
- Practice number 2,6, and 7 of these stress management tips.
Emotions around setting boundaries
Setting boundaries (as previously discussed) or taking a stand for anything can leave you feeling anxious or just plain terrible. You may even feel guilty and by that I mean “false guilt” because real guilt occurs after a wrong has been done. False guilt occurs when the situation is uncomfortable, may cause conflict, or even disrupt the relationship, BUT it was not wrong to have done it. We can experience false guilt when we say no, when other people won’t speak to us, or we take a stand for something we believe in that others may disagree with. How do you manage that?
- Stay firm! The feelings will pass. No one has felt one emotion all day, we feel a lot of emotions, so this too will pass.
- Remind yourself why you are making the decision you are making. Why is it important to you? What will happen if you don’t do what you just did?
- Ask yourself “what is the worst thing that could happen?” When you have the answer, assess if it is really that bad. If it is really that bad, ask yourself if you would rather live with this “worst thing” or suffer the way you were when you didn’t set the boundary.
- Accept that this situation is difficult, and life is hard.
- Find other ways to de-stress using these stress management tips.
Note: This section on setting boundaries is geared toward situations in which there is an unresolved issue that warrants a change in someone’s behavior.
Our emotions can be our guides showing us what we deeply care about.
“We hurt where we care” says psychologist Steven Hayes. So this holiday, pay attention! When you notice yourself beginning to feel happy, angry, sad, anxious, whatever it is, ask yourself, “What is this feeling revealing about what I need, want, or truly care about?”
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