I was recently part of a panel discussion about maturing in our walk with God from a holistic perspective. It was a wonderful event. One of the questions asked was “How do you deal with disappointment and regret as a Christian?” The question lingered in my mind afterward because I had more thoughts since the question was posed. So, you know what that means? It calls for a blog post! Thank you moderator for giving me something to write about 😊
My struggle with the question is because I don’t frequently connect with those two words. And I really do look at disappointment and regret as two different things, even though the dictionary uses both words to define each other. I understand regret to mean “it shouldn’t have happened” or “I wish I could undo what I did” while disappointment occurs when something doesn’t match up to what I expected. According to the dictionary, the emotions that are associated with both are sadness and sorrow. So yes, there is an element of feeling sad about whatever the thing was that caused the disappointment and regret.
So, going back to the question:
How do you deal with disappointment and regret as a Christian?
The reason why I don’t connect with these two words is because, in my way of being, disappointment quickly transforms to grief and loss while regret quickly transforms to guilt and repentance. Sometimes regret tries to rear its head as shame, but I have to remind myself that shame is not from God, and I cannot live there.
This is what my process looks like:
- Go through grief and loss. I cry about it. If something turned out to not be what I expected, I allow myself to feel the loss of what I had hoped for. I do this by taking my feelings to God and letting him know how sad and upset I am that things turned out the way they did instead of the dream I had in my head. There is a dying of the dream that is happening in my heart, mind, and body. I have to be honest with myself to see it and mourn for it. The only reason why I would be disappointed is because the dream I had created in my head didn’t match the reality of what actually happened. Therefore, I have to mourn the loss in order to truly face the reality in front of me.
- Experience guilt and repentance. I express my guilt for what I did. The feeling of regret occurs when we realize that we did something wrong or hurtful. But we can’t go back to undo it, rather we can acknowledge our wrong-doings and strive not to do it again. Guilt acknowledges a behavior, shame attacks who we are. We cannot live healthily in either especially for a prolonged period. Therefore, I have to repent for my sin, my word, my action, my behavior that caused me or someone else pain. I say I am sorry and ask for forgiveness. I ask God to forgive me, and I pray for God to help me let go. The letting go part can be the hardest for me, but God doesn’t want me to live in the guilt. Jesus died so that I won’t have to hold on to the sins that he crucified on the cross once and for all. He killed all of them (those from my past, from my present, and in my future) on the cross, so that I don’t have to keep looking at it. That would be pride in not accepting his gift of grace.
- Stop asking unproductive questions. It is tempting to ask, “why didn’t I learn this prior?” Or thinking it would have been better if things happened in one way as opposed to the other. But Ecclesiastes 7:10 NIV says, “Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?” For it is not wise to ask such questions.” Some questions are just not wise to ask. I don’t even let my mind take me there because it is useless. It’s a road leading to nowhere. I can’t go back to change it and I can’t go back to learn the lesson prior, so why ask what I cannot answer?
- All that being said, I know this is hard for some people. If that’s the case for you, ask the questions and accept that you are just asking to get it out of your system. Then accept that it is what it is! “The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us, so that we may obey all the terms of these instructions.” (Deuteronomy 29:29 NLT)
- Practice reframing. If you are a guilty soul like I used to be, it is tempting to beat yourself up for not being perfect. But I have grown to look at the lessons learned. Nothing is wasted, even our sins. Even though people make mistakes, God doesn’t. He allows things to happen for reasons that I don’t always know, and I don’t have to understand. I can tell you countless times how my mistakes have helped me see things that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. They have taught me so much to pass on for my future and to help others.
- Living in regret is basically saying that my problems are bigger than God’s ability to work for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28), which in other words is calling God a liar. Although I may not see why things have happened the way they have, I know God’s truth that He works all things for our good and to glorify Himself. This means sometimes I may not be glorified so that He can be glorified. I need to have God’s perspective and truth to help me move forward. I will also be more equipped to tell the story of how He used my mess to create something beautiful.
The process above is not linear; sometimes I need to go back to number one or two. Even though I am pretty good at processing my emotions in a healthy way, I am not perfect at it. Sometimes, I have to stop myself from taking wrong turns. Sometimes I need to talk to friends who can give me perspective. And I need to pray, journal, and read scriptures over and over again to help me have a godly mindset. It is hard work but it’s all part of the human experience. We must embrace it!
If this topic is difficult for you, read my articles on experiencing peace and working through forgiveness.
