How to respond when you’ve hurt someone

It is inevitable that we hurt others intentionally or unintentionally. This is part of our fallen humanity. Life is not perfect, and neither are we. I have been in different situations where I have commented or acted in a way that has offended someone. It is hard to hear when someone approaches you with, “when you said…” or “when you did… I didn’t like it.” However, in hindsight, I am glad when my friends have brought up how I hurt them because it has helped me to be more sensitive to other people’s feelings. It has made me understand them and helped me to be better at relating with them. But those conversations have never been easy nor has dealing with the guilt of knowing I hurt someone.

Unfortunately, many of us don’t approach the other person when they hurt us, we just distance ourselves from them or it turns into a verbal fight. If that’s you, read this post on how to respond when you’ve been hurt. Such situations can be even more upsetting when it happens with people in our close community such as church members (Here’s how to deal with church hurt).

A friend of mine was so good at coming to apologize to me whenever she felt she had offended me. Sometimes I didn’t even think she had done anything wrong, but she explained the attitude of her heart when she had acted, and she recognized that she didn’t have the right attitude. I was always so amazed by that about her. She taught me that it was really important for her to clear the air in our relationship so we could maintain a solid friendship and she wanted to be blameless before God. She was a great example for me.

How do you respond when someone approaches you?

Be like my friend and be the one to approach the person first when you realize your words or actions hurt them. Let’s be honest, most of us are not that humble. Someone may have to approach us first to let us know. In that case, here are some action steps for you:

Recognize that it takes a lot for someone to express that you offended/hurt them
Listen, listen, listen before you speak
It is tempting, but don’t try to defend yourself, instead, acknowledge the hurt you caused and say “I’m sorry that I hurt you”
- We may be acting with pure intentions and it still affects other people negatively because everyone has their own life experiences and triggers. Think more about mending the relationship than being right. If that is a difficult concept for you, this will help.
Ask if you can explain where you were coming from; it helps both parties to understand each other’s perspective because we all know we have mis-judged situations. Explaining your point of view can bring clarity.
Ask what the person needs from you? “Is there something I can do to be better? To prevent this in the future?”

As you can notice, it takes humility to be in either position. Pray for humility before and/or as the conversation is happening.

How do you deal with the guilt and let go?

The conversation is over, the relationship has been kept intact (hopefully). Now, you are left with yourself. If you are like me, you might struggle with guilt. This could depend on the magnitude of the offense. There are two ways you can deal with guilt, 1) you can let it eat you up inside until it consumes your life (worldly sorrow), or 2) you can repent and let it go (godly sorrow). Two great examples in the Bible are Peter and Judas, two of Jesus’s close disciples. Judas was the one that betrayed Jesus to be captured while Peter denied Jesus three times at the final hours before Jesus’s horrific death. They definitely had reasons to feel guilty, but what did they do with all those emotions? Judas hanged himself (Matthew 27:3-5) and Peter wept bitterly (Matthew 26:75) then went on to be one of the first leaders in Christianity. Judas let his guilt consume him to the point where he decided he couldn’t live with himself while Peter repented and changed his ways. This is how a positive response to hurt like Peter’s is described in 2 Corinthians 7:9-11:

“For you became sorrowful as God intended… Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.”

When we have hurt others, acknowledged the hurt, and apologized, there’s no need to sit in it. Be eager to make the changes to be better in the present and future. If you need to say to yourself, “I forgive you” in order to move on, then do so. I’ve heard people say if I choose to let it go, I won’t change, or I will take it for granted. Well, it’s up to you if you want to change. You don’t need to hold guilt in order to change. On the contrary, you letting go frees you up to be more loving and compassionate towards others.

Ultimately, the true author of all things is God. When we have wronged any person, we have wronged him. We ask God for forgiveness and he forgives us. No one is greater than God. So, if God can forgive us and choose to love us regardless of the horrible things we have done, who are you to hold them against yourself? Isn’t that pride in thinking you need to punish yourself and suffer for it much worse than the suffering caused by the incident itself? Let go of your pride and choose godly sorrow!