Last week, I wrote about church hurts, why they cause so much pain and how to correct our understanding of church. I promised to write about steps for forgiveness, but this post morphed into something else and it’s absolutely worth the read!
When someone has wronged us, it is not our first instinct to think about forgiveness. Our first response is usually anger or thoughts associated with “how could this person do such a thing?” If we let this feeling build up, it could lead us to create distance from others and isolate. When this happens within a church setting, we can stay away from the person(s), or stop going to church altogether. We can continue to gather evidence to justify our position, evidence to show that we are right and they are wrong, therefore our anger is justified. In fact, you may be right and your anger may be justified. However, it serves nobody to stay here. It doesn’t even serve you. Now that your experience has been validated, what do you do with all the anger and hurt? Do you continue to let it eat you up inside? Do you want your mistrust of people to grow? Do you want to stay away from church forever? Is this worth your relationship with God? Or maybe you don’t see that your connection with people especially fellow believers is related to your connection with God. It is! So, how do you let it go?
Forgive!
Why is it important to forgive?
I answered that question in this article. But here is another reason:
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Mathew 6:14-15 NIV)
Very straightforward, isn’t it? It is interesting that Jesus says these words immediately after he teaches his disciples how to pray. He talks about forgiveness immediately after he talks about prayer. It goes something like this,
“This, then, is how you should pray:
“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:9-14 NIV)
But why Jesus? He is obviously saying that if we don’t forgive others, God will not forgive us, but is it possible that he is connecting God listening to our prayers with us forgiving other people? Is he saying that if we don’t forgive, God wouldn’t listen to our prayers? Judge for yourself.
How to respond when you've been hurt
Again, I answered that question in this post, but I will add to it.
A. Let the person know in truth and love
Matthew 18 provides a great template to approach someone who has sinned against you.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17 NIV)
Do you see the steps?
- First talk one-on-one to the person who wronged you
- If they won’t listen, take one or 2 people within your church with you to talk with the person
- If they still won’t listen, have your church talk to them; you don’t have to announce to the whole congregation, but have people within your church talk to them
- If they still won’t listen, you don’t have to relate to this person as your brother or sister in Christ
Don’t skip the first three steps and go straight to the fourth. And don’t try to resolve the issue through gossip when the person has no clue that there is a problem. Let the person know. You will also be helping them to grow in their relationships.
The process Jesus describes above is hard. But, it shows how much God wants us to work out our conflicts. It takes a lot of effort to go through each one of these steps. Even the disciples saw that this is a lot of work. Peter asked Jesus, “how many times should I forgive?” Jesus’ response was “seventy-seven times,” some translations say, “seventy times seven times.” We know we’re not going to be counting until the 77th time, so Jesus is actually saying keep on forgiving, there are no limits.
B. Deal with what’s in your heart and mind
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)
Isn’t that the truth? Everything we do flows from our hearts, which is why God wants us to guard it from all sources that can grow bitterness, distrust, and just plain evil.
Read James 4:1-10 or read the whole book of James, there are only 5 chapters. Ask your close friends to pray for you and pray for your own heart to soften towards the person (or people) who hurt you. Pray for God’s help with forgiveness and pray for God to heal your heart.
Note: This article is just an introduction, things won’t change overnight. Here is a list of books you can read for healing from church hurts. If you are a leader in a church dealing with people who continually cause conflict, this may be a good resource for you. If you are the one who has caused others pain (I know I have), lookout for next week’s post.
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