6 practical ways parents can relieve stress about their children not getting married

Oh how time flies! In 2020, I wrote a relationship series, actually two relationship series. The first was on the tensions that arise between African parents raising their African American children in the U.S. and the second was on marriage and singleness within an African context. Why did Africans get married back then and how is it different from getting married today? Why do societies especially African societies struggle so much with singleness and what does the Bible have to say about it? Feel free to go back and read these articles.

Although I described some of the reasons why it is difficult for African parents when their adult children are not married, I left out an important aspect that makes African parents worried about their children getting married. What am I talking about? Two words: Pressure and Comparison!

But why?
Peer pressure is a real thing and it’s not just for children or teenagers. It happens with parents feeling pressure from themselves, their relatives, and their friends. Sometimes it as a result of them watching their friends’ children get married and have children. Other times it is their own unfulfilled desires of wanting to show off at your wedding or be grandparents. Or they might be scared that they are getting old and will not see you get married. And still other times, it is their relatives asking them repeatedly why their children haven’t gotten married yet.

All these aspects can leave the parents feeling guilty as if they did something wrong in how they raised their children that contributed to them not being married. It can also leave them comparing themselves with their siblings and friends, and feeling left out. They could feel like all these “good things” are happening in other people’s lives but not in theirs. It could lead to questions of “what’s wrong with me?” and “what’s wrong with my children?” Before you know it, they are fighting to erase these feelings by pressuring you, their adult children to get married because they think it will help them feel better. The cycle is passed on and they don’t even realize that they are doing it nor why they are doing it.

They might not realize that this pressure can have negative effects. Here are just a few outcomes:

They could sever their relationship with their adult children and push them away.
They can contribute to their children internalizing the feelings of there being something wrong with them and thus make them feel insecure about their singleness.
They can promote a false perspective to their adult children that marriage is going to fix all their problems.
They can promote marriages that eventually lead to their children being unhappy and even miserable, leading to divorce.
They can get what they want on paper but loose the whole point of marriage.

So, what can parents do to relieve their worry about their adult children not getting married?

Have the right perspective. Your children’s marital status is not a reflection of your parenting skills. And it is also not a reflection of God’s love or favor. God doesn’t love single people any less and He is not withholding good things for them because of their status. If you have a hard time believing this, read the article I wrote on why Jesus didn’t get married.
Separate your fears from those of your children. Your concerns may not necessarily be your children’s concerns. Be a little more curious about why you are so worried about your children getting married. Is it because they are unhappy and really want to get married? Or is it because you think they need to get married? Are your children happy regardless? Are there other things in your life that are bothering you? Them getting married will not solve all your problems.
Get to know other things about your children. Parents can easily push away their children by reminding them in every conversation that they need to get married. Bringing it up constantly can make your child feel like this is the only thing you care about in their lives. Your child has so many other things in their lives that they care about, but you will miss all of it because you are only concerned about this one thing.
Focus on your journey. I’ve noticed that when I start getting worried about something in my life that I think is not happening on time, it’s because I am comparing myself to others. But when I focus on my own journey and what God is doing in my life, I am at peace. Everyone’s journey is different. This goes for you as a parent and your adult children. Notice what God is doing in your own life and the life of your family.
Remind your relatives and peers about the differences in your journeys. Some relatives genuinely care, but others are just nosy or boastful. Either way, their questions and comments about your children’s marital status can contribute to peer pressure and comparison. So, help them to help you and your children by reminding them of all the other great things happening in your children’s lives. And add that when it is the right time for them to get married, they will.
Trust God. Ultimately, you need to trust that God will take care of you and your children regardless of their marital status. Pray for your desires and surrender them to Him.