We live in a time where there is so much talk about self-love and self-care. Both good things if we do them right. But before we get to either of those, we need self-knowledge. In other words, we need information regarding our tendencies, personality traits, emotional states, and patterns of behavior.
Do you know that we can’t truly be known by others when we don’t know ourselves? You can only know someone as much as you know yourself. When you lack self-knowledge, it doesn’t just affect how you move around the world, it also affects how others move around you.
Do you remember the scene in the movie, Coming to America (the original) when the Prince is trying to get to know his future bride and he asks her different questions to get to know her? Her responses are “whatever you like.” You can see the scene below.
This is an extreme situation; most of us are not royalty in this sense and most of us have not been trained to respond to royalty like this lady was, but let’s think about this for regular people like you and me. It would be frustrating if you were genuinely trying to get to know someone and they just did what you said. We can be similar in more subtle ways when we don’t know ourselves. A few examples are:
- Going along with other people’s thoughts or standards
- Letting people boss you around or tell you what to do
- Not knowing when to say No
- Having a hard time making decisions
- Always feeling like you don’t know what to do with yourself
- Not liking your own company; it’s hard for you to be alone
- Taking everything personal when sometimes it’s not about you
When you don’t know yourself, it is difficult to see others clearly. Why? Because you find it hard separating yourself from them. This can make it challenging for people to relate or connect with you, which ultimately impacts your ability to build closeness in your relationships. When you know yourself it’s easier for you to let people be themselves around you even if you are not so comfortable. You are more able to separate “your stuff” from “their stuff” and you are not easily offended by things because you know many times it’s not about you.
What prevents us from knowing ourselves?
Fear! And by that, I mean different types of fears.
- Fear of doing the hard work. Let’s face it, it takes some work to get to know yourself. You can’t just sit around and hope that you’ll figure things out. It requires self-awareness, introspection, relationship, time, effort, and the willingness to change.
- Fear of feeling feelings. A major reason why many people don’t do the hard internal work is because it brings up difficult emotions. This can be especially challenging if life has been tough. Thinking about the past can stir up negative thoughts and emotions that we would rather not experience. But the downside to avoidance is you will never truly feel at ease unless you deal with theses things. Moreover, you are limiting your joy by not feeling your pain since we can’t really pick and choose which feelings to numb.
- Fear of being found out to be flawed. The more we discover about ourselves, the more we will notice that we are imperfect flawed beings. Some would rather not find out how they are flawed nor admit that they are flawed, which is where the problem lies. If everyone else can see it but you, it doesn’t look pretty. Rather, it makes it hard for people to be around you. Don’t worry, you’re in good company, we are all flawed.
- Fear of vulnerability. Learning about ourselves cannot really happen in isolation. It is best done in relationship, which means it requires interacting with people and exposing different things about you. Vulnerability can bring up feelings of weakness, which is uncomfortable. But contrary to past beliefs, there is a lot of strength in vulnerability. It is also a great way to overcome the fear of being flawed.
- Fear of intimacy. Maybe you had hoped that you were better at whatever it is, but that’s not the case. So you try to cover it up and deny that this is a problem for you, not knowing that if you were honest with yourself and with others about this thing, it actually wouldn’t be that big of a deal. People’s hearts soften when others are vulnerable about their flaws and it builds connection. It fosters intimacy in the relationship. It makes both of you feel known and seen. There is a lot of freedom in that!
What can you do to know yourself?
The good news is we are all constantly evolving so regardless of where you are now, you can grow and change. I know this from personal experience and from all the people I have worked with in psychotherapy. You can do the following to increase your self-knowledge:
- Pray and study out the Bible while asking God to reveal things about how He created you
- Read books that speak to particular themes that keep recurring in your life
- Practice vulnerability in your relationships by sharing your victories and your struggles and letting others help you
- Journal about your experiences, your emotions, and your thoughts
- Explore new things you find intriguing and see if you like or dislike them
- Go for psychotherapy or counseling. Check my Resources page for more info. Or if you would like to work with me, check my practice website.
Lastly remember that you are human and are constantly evolving. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Here are two articles with more information on self-knowledge, self-knowledge in psychology and signs you don’t know yourself.
Another great topic and writing.