This is the story: Susan (let’s call her that) has been complaining about not wanting to go to this event, but not only that, she has been tasked with making the fried plantains for the event. But she doesn’t want to do any of it. What’s the event? It’s a party that some fellow members from her cultural group host every quarter of the year. They’ve been organizing these events for a few years now and they are usually fun. Why is Susan hesitant about going? She’s tired. She’s been working about 60 hours a week as a nurse, and she just wants a weekend off. But she doesn’t feel like she can say no nor pass on the responsibility of frying plantains to someone else. She knew it from the start when she was asked to cook 3 weeks ago, she really wanted to say no, but she said yes. Now, here she is. The date has gotten closer and closer, and she is still struggling with her decision even though she knows what she wants to do. What will Americans call this? People pleasing and boundary issues? What will Africans call this? Being a responsible member of the group? What do you think?
Okay, this is probably a silly example, but if you are African or an immigrant from a collectivistic culture, you know that many of our parents, aunties, uncles, and relatives struggle with these types of situations. They want to say no, but they say yes with a smile on their face and then the person who suffers is you, because you have to listen to them complain over and over about the thing they don’t want to do that they are doing. Sometimes you just want to shake them and say, “then why didn’t you say no?” Or “why were you fake-smiling when you really meant something else?” Or “Call and say you can’t do it anymore.” Or “Now that you accepted to do it, just carry your burden quietly and do it.”
Another challenging aspect is when our older relatives pass these behaviors to us by commenting to us in shame because we didn’t go to some event that we were “supposed to” attend. Or their encouragements for us to do something that we don’t want to do for the sake of making another relative happy or for the sake of the family. Can you relate?
Well, I have been one of those people judging them, like why do they care so much about these relatives or country mates? Why does it matter so much to them how they show up in the group? But then, I took a closer look and I noticed something; we might be missing a larger influencing factor of such behaviors, culture!
How culture affects our boundaries
In recent years, the talk of boundaries has become very popular and is immensely encouraged (I recommend boundaries a lot to my clients). What are boundaries? I like the simple definition of “boundaries show where one thing ends and another begins” and “boundaries are what’s okay and not okay.” Cloud and Townsend in their book, “Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life” describe in detail how not setting boundaries can be damaging, thus it is important to set limits and let people take responsibility for themselves.
Side note: This book changed me for the better and truly did help me to “take control of my life.”
But these boundaries stuff work really well when you live in an individualistic culture where independence and autonomy are valued over family and group identity. In many cultures in Africa, Asia, and South America, the idea of “where one thing ends and another begins” can be very blurry because these cultures value group goals over individual goals. These are collectivistic cultures where the “we” matters more than the “I.” Therefore, what’s okay in an individualistic culture may be very different from what’s okay in a collectivistic culture.
If you want to understand more about the differences between collectivistic and individualistic cultures, I wrote about it here.
When I was in college, my African friends will come to my house saying they are hungry, open my fridge or my pots and ask me what I had to eat. This was their way of expressing closeness to me, which I honestly liked that they felt that comfortable with me. But it was quite a contrast with my White American friends who even after frequenting my house several times would ask each time if they could use my restroom and would never open my fridge unless I told them to get something. This was their way of being polite and respectful, which sometimes I felt like aren’t we close enough for you to make yourself at home?
So “what’s okay and not okay” is truly relative. And it is highly impacted by our cultural upbringing.
Let’s go back to my initial scenario of Susan. Do you see a little more of why she is struggling? She comes from an African culture that values the group’s needs and she is living in an American culture that values individual needs. Moreover, she comes from a culture in which as an individual, she represents her family, therefore showing up to an event doesn’t just mean she showed up, it means her family was represented at the event. And let’s not forget, she comes from a respect culture that has a high-power distance, i.e., respecting her elders and leaders is highly important to be a valuable member of society. Therefore, her position within the group could play an important role in her ability to confidently say yes or no. So how does someone who has grown up with the “we mentality” switch to an “I mentality” without there being internal turmoil? How does one switch to the individual needs when their whole existence has been oriented toward the group needs? It’s complicated!
For the record, I’m not hating on boundaries at all, I love them, I have them, I have written about them several times, and I encourage them frequently. However, we need a balance in taking culture into account when thinking about how to implement boundaries and when suggesting boundaries to our loved ones. Therefore, the next time you are tempted to judge whoever like I did (and unfortunately still do sometimes), stop and ask, “where are they coming from?”
One point is that Susan is in an environment where socioeconomic activities and behavior/attitudes are different. For instance, work is scheduled around the twenty-four day leaving no round for leisure activities. The individual freedom with “social welfare” of the individual depend on the individual, the high cost of living. Susan as others must decide what to do that would maintain and preserve their survival in such an environment People have to be educated to understand the cultures and adjust to the different circumstances accordingly.
Written like a true economist! Thanks for the insight on environment factors affecting Susan.
This is a great appraisal of the conflict that can arise in an attempt to blend two cultures. It was nice reading this write-up
Thanks Dr. Nkemayim! I’m glad you found it interesting.