Have you noticed that some African parents don’t really consider you a grown up until you are married? The scenario goes something like this:
Relative (the one I referred to here): I haven’t seen the children in a long time. What is so-and-so studying again?
You: She graduated over 7 years ago, she’s working now
Relative: Oh! What about ehm… the other one… (trying to remember his name)?
You: My brother? He’s also working…
Relative: Oh really? Wow (looking perplexed and doesn’t know how to continue this conversation but feels the need to comment). I didn’t realize that you guys are all grown up and marriage material.
You: (looking sighed eyed, not sure if you want to take this bait)
Have you experienced any of such exchanges? Everyone is so concerned about your single status that even if you were enjoying being single, you begin to feel bad and start questioning yourself.
Singleness! That bitter sweet period marked by the freedom to do what you want, when you want, and how you want it (unless you live with your African parents but that’s a different story that you can read about here). It’s also a time of exploration of your talents and career interests and of course a time of dreaming and searching for a significant other.
It always makes me laugh when people make statements like, “Why aren’t you married? You are so beautiful.” If that were the main premise for marriage, many people will not be single… or married. But let’s take a closer look at why some people are single and why others are married. Let’s start with the first question (why people are single) in this post. We’ll save the second question (why people get married) for the next post.
Why are you single?
For many people, 2020 was supposed to be the year to find love or maybe even marry your boo, but Coronavirus had other plans and we are all quarantining. And then the racial unrest became even more heated, so some of our attentions diverted. I can imagine that 2020 can be a scary time for many people and can cause many to doubt when their relationship goals will come to fruition. I’m sorry I can’t answer that question for you, but the points below can get you to sort out where you are and possibly give you something to think about. These are some reasons I’ve gathered for why people are single:
1. Busy pursuing education – Don’t you find it interesting that our African parents prioritize education for their children above all else and then when their kids reach a certain age their priorities change without warning? When we started getting interested in boys or girls in our teenage years, we could not bring them to our parents because if they “catch you” with someone of interest, you might get in trouble. Many people carry this caution into adulthood and that’s when they start looking for a potential mate. That’s also the time when parents start asking when you will bring someone home to marry and you are like, “Eh eh I was in school, in my books like you said, what’s the problem?” They were not encouraging you to practice relating to potential mates, learn about romantic relationships, and assess what you like, what you don’t like, get meaningful advice from them about your “boyfriends” or “girlfriends” etc., lost opportunity to help you practice at a younger age so that you can be better at being and choosing a good spouse. They didn’t think about it in parenting because they wanted you to focus on your studies. You might have been focusing on your studies and dating here and there, but it can be hard dating in hiding. And we are raised to respect our elders and follow our educational course, until we start having a mind of our own which can be anywhere from teenage years to our 30s. All this to say that our cultural socialization influences us directly and indirectly in how we approach romantic relationships.
2. Having too high standards or having no standards – In today’s culture when everything is accessible to us through social media, we see all the good parts of relationships and we glamorize them. Think about Barack and Michelle Obama and whoever else you look up to as your “relationship goals couple.” We see what couples do together and we start building our lists based off the glamour, but we don’t realize what these couples and any couple go through before they get to where they are now. Neither do we see the tough parts of their relationship. Additionally, we sometimes don’t ask ourselves if we are the person who someone is looking for. Do you have the qualities you are looking for in a mate?
What I mean by having no standards is that some people are tired of being single or maybe they have been hurt so much that they don’t care anymore. They would rather mess around with anyone that comes around just so they can feel something. It doesn’t help that whoever is messing around with them knows it and that’s all they are looking for, a good time. Nothing changes until this person develops more self-respect.
Living on either extreme of having too high standards or having no standards can make people miss out when good things come their way.
3. Navigating cultures – There is something that our non-immigrant peers do not have to worry about, the added layer of culture. Whether you were born in the U.S. or you were born in Africa, as long as you have meaningful ties with the motherland, there is this question that at some point crosses everyone’s mind. Do I want to date/marry outside of my culture? I’m not just talking about race which is a topic on its own. I mean do I want to marry outside of my tribe, outside of my country of origin, outside of where my parents raised me. Do I want to go back home to Africa, or do I want to stay in the U.S.? How do I want to raise my children? Do I want to raise children to value African culture? Do I want to raise children in the U.S. or in Africa? What do I want my children to know about where I come from? Does any of this matter or do I just want to be with someone who gets me? Do I just want to be married?
Just writing all these questions makes my head hurt. That’s a lot! Maybe you haven’t thought that much about it, but subconsciously some of these things linger. It is important to think about your questions before you get married because many marriages come crashing down because of unspoken expectations and desires. Of course, you may change your mind when you meet someone or while you are married, we do it all the time. However, thinking about it for yourself and having some of these conversations before you get married can prevent future marital conflict and unsatisfaction.
4. Not the right timing/haven’t found the right person – Many married people will not honestly say that it was not their doing that they found their spouse when and how they did. They had little to do with it but the fact that they were present, and they were able to keep the connection with this person till the point of marriage. The truth for many single people is that they have not found the right person at the right time and it’s really as simple as that.
5. Working on themselves – Marriage is made of two individuals (in some places more than 2) that are trying to build something together. Therefore, if I bring an improved version of myself and you bring an improved version of yourself, we will have a better marriage. Some people understand from past experiences that they would rather focus on gaining their sense of self-worth, self-love and acceptance before they start putting themselves out there for a relationship. Some of them may have never been married but had previous relationships, some may be separated or divorced. These people recognize that they don’t want past mistakes to be repeated if they can avoid it, hence they will rather do their own personal mental and emotional work before they date or marry.
6. Unavailable men/women – Some people would like to think they are available, but they are not making themselves available. They may complain about being single and say there are no available men or women, but if they can be honest with themselves and their schedules, they don’t have time to be in a relationship. We all have an excuse now because we are in a pandemic, but some people need to be more honest with themselves and be more intentional about putting themselves out there or accepting that they are happy being single and don’t want to get married at this time, which leads to the next point.
7. They really want to be single – Some people are quite content being single for life. Yes, for life. Some people may have thought about marriage, maybe they were interested at some point in their life, maybe they dated, got married, lost a spouse, already have children, or maybe they have never been in a serious relationship before and they love being single. Others may not like to hear that, but what is your problem? Are you going to live his or her life for them? This may go against all the African tales we’ve heard about family (which I will talk about later), but this is really how some people feel and we onlookers need to accept and respect that. If you are a parent, you might need to do some grieving for the loss of your dreams for your children and grandchildren. But it would be cruel to impose your desires on your child just to make you feel better. Loving your children well is accepting that they have minds of their own and they will sometimes clash with yours.
So, where do you think you are? Which category/categories are you? Or maybe you don’t fit any of the these. In that case, add a category I omitted in the comments below. Ask your friends or your adult children where they see themselves. You might be surprised at what you find out. Check out more of the singleness and marriage series here.
Don’t forget to subscribe and check your email spam/junk folder to report African Mind Healer as Not spam.
You nailed your points girl!
Point three on navigating cultures hit me hard because I’ve been wondering whether I want to leave my comfort zone for love’s sake.
And the point on parents accepting their children’s décision is very important for peace’ saké.
Glad you could relate, Manka’a
Hello! Ajab. Great job, help the world on these topics. That is courageous. Keep the good work on.
Regards
Mr. Ogbokri
Thank you
My favorite part is “but what is your problem?” 😂 A little louder for those in the back!
Lol 😁
This is such a great article. Just from the opening of the article with the conversations you have with your family on the topic of marriage, it all hits close to home. Marriage shouldn’t define being successful, and I hope that the narrative of that can change
Amen my sista!
Pingback: 25 helpful things I wish I were told before migrating to the U.S. – African Mind Healer
Pingback: The real reasons why Africans get married – African Mind Healer