1. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. You’ve heard it before. It was inspired by Matthew 5:37 which says, “All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” It is referring to making oaths or vows, but it can help us think through this situation. The bottom line to get from this passage for this circumstance is not to try to convince people of what you are going to do. Rather do what you say you are going to do. If you plan to go, say yes and go. If you don’t plan to go, say no. If you are not sure, say I don’t know yet. Don’t say yes when you really meant to say no, that will be lying. Don’t lie to make someone else happy when you already know what you are going to do. And of course, it is okay to change your mind at any point.
2. Stick to your choice and deal with the consequence. Accept the decision you are making and deal with what comes with it. You can torment yourself if you have made one decision and you keep thinking of the alternative decision i.e., if I say I won’t go but I keep thinking about what is happening at the party. That wouldn’t serve anyone, so whatever you decide deal with that decision. If you say yes, rather than being angry at yourself or the situation, accept that this is the choice you have made. Go and decide to find some way to make it enjoyable or know that it won’t be enjoyable, but it’s temporary, so you’ll come back to your life, and you’ll be fine. If you say no, some people may be angry at you, but they’ll get over it (hopefully). You can’t control how they feel. You may feel false guilty for saying no.
   • I say “false guilt” because we experience guilt when we recognize that we have done something wrong. We can feel similar feelings to guilt when we haven’t done anything wrong but other people accuse us of doing so or we accuse ourselves because it’s not how we are used to behaving. This is false guilt because we haven’t actually done anything wrong. We may feel false guilt for the first few times we choose to act differently because our bodies and brains are not used to such behavior. But we can remind ourselves of this fact and eventually we won’t feel false guilt anymore.
3. Compromise. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can choose to do some of what you want and some of what the family wants. Go for a few hours with family and plan your own event with friends. This can allow you to get some of what you want while they get some of what they want. Another option is if you can’t go for this event, you can offer to visit at another time or another holiday.
4. Communicate and let people deal with their own emotions. It can be hard to talk to family members when they are not understanding. Sometimes you try to tell them that you won’t make it, or you can only make it for an hour, and their response is a guilt-ridden “why not” or they get mad at you. You can explain as much or as little as you want to help them understand. Their response can lead to both of you compromising or it can make them even angrier. Don’t let any emotional manipulation stop you from doing what you need to do. It is up to each of us to regulate how we feel, we can’t do that by controlling other people. If someone constantly uses their anger or sadness to make you change your mind and you frequently have to change your plans to make them happy, both of you are in a destructive codependent pattern. Sticking to your boundaries regardless of how they react will help both of you change this pattern.

For more on this, read what I wrote on difficult conversations and difficult relationships during the holidays.