Happy New Year my people! There’s this expression we said in Cameroon when I was growing up, “New year, new fashion,” which basically means “New year, new ways” or “new year, new me.” I’ve decided to write to encourage the opposite of what many of us immigrants especially those from developing nations, were raised to believe. Bear with me and please keep reading!
Many of us from developing countries have this engrained pressure to succeed. We carry it without even realizing it. I’ve heard stories of my African uncles and aunties working 80 hours a week, some to the point of untimely death. We think because our families or communities came from struggles, we have to succeed by all means possible. We silently say to ourselves that we have seen suffering and we are privileged, therefore we must succeed. Sometimes our motives are to show off to others “look at me now” and other times they are well intentioned, “so that my loved ones will not suffer the way I did.” Regardless, if not monitored or managed, we can find ourselves sick and tired from burnout, missing out on what truly matters, and losing our true purpose of life.
What type of person are you?
The pressure to succeed can manifest in many ways. It may be external pressure from parents, ancestors, or internalized pressure from ourselves. Maybe you can identify with one or all the people below:
- The showoffs. These are those of us who like the bling and flashy. If you ask us what success is, we might give you a cliché answer such as “get rich, buy an expensive car and a big house.” Our motto is, “the bigger and flashier the better.” “How can I show more people that life is good?”
- The guilty souls. There are some of us who feel so bad for the lives and people we left in our native countries. We feel this immense guilt because we have privileges that our parents didn’t have. Or maybe we have family, friends, or people we’ve heard of who are in our home countries struggling. Therefore, we feel guilty when we enjoy what we have. And we would rather just keep working to deal with our guilt. In some ways, we punish ourselves for having a glimpse of happiness. But we never feel satisfied because the more we work, the guiltier we feel for having more, then we feel bad, and go back to work harder to deal with the guilt, the cycle never ends.
- The enablers also called The saviors. Some of us feel so indebted to our loved ones, and by this, I mean anyone who is within our community, that we work ourselves tirelessly. And we don’t know how to say “No” or “I don’t have money this month.” Deep down we feel like things will fall apart if we don’t give to our communities even just for a season. We think it is up to us to save them.
- The never-againers. We can’t forget about those of us who never ever want to be broke again. Hence, our fear drives us to work endlessly. We are so afraid to lose it all, that we have one goal, acquire as much as you can now so it never runs out. But a lot of times, we become so focused that we don’t see anyone or anything else. We neglect our families and friends, and we miss out on life.
Ok, maybe I exaggerated a little in describing these categories, but if you look a little closely, you might find your tendencies in one or some of them. What are your tendencies?
New year, new fashion
If there is anything that 2020 and 2021 taught us, it is that life is a mist. We can be here today and be gone by the end of today. We have seen that we have control over some things but not a lot. One thing we do have control over is our perspective. So here are a few thoughts to consider:
- To the showoffs. It is okay for you to like flashy and big things but check your motives. If your motives are for comparison or people-pleasing (two sides of the same coin by the way), you will never be content because there will always be someone else who has more than you. If you were the only one who existed on this earth, what would success be for you?
- To the guilty souls. What you are experiencing is false guilt. This is when you feel guilty for something you didn’t do wrong. I wrote about false guilt here. It is important for you to realize and accept that you have your own journey that God gave you and so does everyone else including those who are not as privileged as you. Do the families that go hungry feel any better because you over-worked yourself today? Does your over-working help them and even yourself? If you are merely thinking about these people but not directly helping them, your guilt and worry serves no purpose for them or for you. It is okay for you to enjoy your life and help where you can. Give yourself permission to relax.
- To the enablers a.k.a. saviors. I recently watched a video of a man in Cameroon laughing at people abroad who keep sending money back home. He said if these people return home broke, they (those home) will laugh at them (those returning) because their money would have been spent by others to build houses. Immigrants have this tendency to think about life back home the way they left it 10 to 20 years ago as if things don’t change and people don’t grow. If you have been sending money to an individual for 10+ years, you are a part of the problem. They are reliant on you so why would they look for ways to come up with their own solutions? Why would they want to better themselves, learn new skills, and make something out of what they have when they have you? You’ve heard the quote, “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” Rather than constantly giving people money, figure out ways to help them come up with solutions for their problems. They will learn and grow and stop needing to come back to you. This means they may not need you anymore, which might be your problem, the desire to be needed. There are other ways you could still be an asset to your community without being a savior. Free yourself from this pressure!
- To the never-againers. Life has been tough, but you are strong enough to figure things out if they become challenging again. You have acquired all the tools you need to work through hard things. In the meantime, yes work but please enjoy your life as well. Spend time with family and friends, take vacations, and get more sleep. What’s the point of working so hard if you don’t get to enjoy any of it?
And to all of us…
We can overcome this immense pressure to succeed by having work-life balance, accepting that change takes time, getting more rest, and pursuing our purpose. Do we have the luxury to pursue what we desire as immigrants? That’s a topic for another post!
Happy new year to you too! Great beginning of year post!
Thank you 🙂
Happy New Year to you Dr.Ajab .
Interesting article . The different categories well applied to immigrants communities I have known so far.
I believe one key root is the mentality “of not enough money “ . There’s however another category of immigrant who came to the west as teenager and was completely exposed to the hosting culture. What’s your view on this category of people?
Marcel
Hello Marcel, you are absolutely right about the “not enough money” mentality that many immigrants have. You bring up a good point about those who migrated as teenagers; I guess that calls for another article to express more of my thoughts. I also wrote about this group here https://africanmindhealer.com/relationship-series-part-2-how-to-get-your-african-parents-to-hear-you/