Have you wondered why some people are able to be at peace even though they have a lot of problems? And I don’t mean the people who are oblivious or in denial. I’m talking about those people who have a sense of peace although their lives are not perfect. Well, I’m here to tell you the secret.
I can hear my fellow Christians saying, “it’s Jesus of course” and I agree, Jesus is the Prince of Peace. But I’m not talking about that in this post, I wrote about God’s peace in another article. I’m here to talk about something else.
While counseling multiple adults as a psychologist and Christian counselor, I’ve noticed something that makes it easier for some and not so easy for others to cope with life’s problems. What is it?
Our struggle with our struggles!
What do I mean by that? We can agree that we all have problems, right? If you don’t have problems, either you are in the grave or you have not yet been born. All humans have problems. However, some people are very afraid of their problems while others have acceptance of their problems. This is where the difference lies; it’s in how we engage with our problems.
How does unhealthy fear of our problems show up?
1. Self-judgment. Frequently having self-condemnatory thoughts like, “Why am I so dumb that I keep doing this?” “How can I be so stupid to do that?” “There has to be something terribly wrong with me.” “I am just a selfish person.” Your self-talk is so negative; you probably wouldn’t say the things you say about yourself to any of your close friends.
2. Multiplied anxiety and frustration. We all get anxious and frustrated sometimes, but for if you are afraid of your anxieties and frustrations, you actually double the effect. For example, let’s say you are about to give a class presentation and you are feeling anxious. That is anxiety in itself. But when you are afraid to feel anxious, you get anxious because you are anxious. Your start thinking, “Oh I’m anxious again,” “Why am I so anxious?” “I need to stop being anxious.” With all those kinds of thoughts, you are making yourself feel more anxious to the point where you might have a panic attack. In other words,
Being anxious + Fear or Frustration of being anxious = Increased Anxiety (Anxiety X2)
3. Too afraid to act. If we are too afraid of something, it can become overwhelming and paralyzing. You end up spending most of the time managing your fears, so you run out of energy to actually do something about the problems. The problems remain problems and they might even get bigger because when things aren’t dealt with, they get worse.
How to have acceptance of your problems
What can you do instead? Be like the people who have acceptance of their problems.
1. Observe and notice instead of judging. When they find themselves doing something they don’t like, they observe by thinking “oh I did that again.” They notice their triggers that led to their negative actions. They may become introspective and ask themselves, “what was happening in me that made me react that way?” If the incident involved someone else, they acknowledge their mistakes, apologize, and let it go. If someone hurt them, they don’t shy away from a difficult conversation to rectify the situation.
2. Accept your feelings regardless of how uncomfortable they make you feel. Let’s use the same example of the class presentation that makes you anxious. People who accept their problems would acknowledge that they are anxious and tell themselves, “It’s okay for you to be anxious before a presentation, it will pass.” They might take a few deep breaths or use their coping tools and the anxiety will eventually pass away. Dr. Russ Harris describes this idea of anxiety about anxiety in the video below.
3. Give yourself what you need and find solutions. Problems can be cues that something needs to change. If your job is causing you so much stress that you are getting burned out, that’s a cue that maybe you need to take a vacation or you need to plan toward finding a less stressful job. If you are constantly fighting with your spouse, that’s a cue that you both have to work some things out and maybe you need external help. People who have acceptance are able to look at their problems, acknowledge them, find solutions, ask for help when needed, and carry on with their lives without making their problems define them. So let’s practice acceptance!
Thank you for this insightful share. As a Mental Health Therapist, it is often difficult to put into practice and utilize the tools that I share with my clients. This was a reminder to take care of myself and my thoughts. It reminds me of this scripture:
“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5).”
Such a great scripture to be reminded of, thanks for sharing your thoughts, Charice!